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From Volume 7, Number 4, Spring 2001 Soul Friends - a rising tide I was an evangelical curate with a stomach as hard as a cricket ball. The doctor said "This is not something I can help you with." I was a stressed minister with a problem. The counsellor helped me with the problem, but not with finding the path God wished me to walk. I went on a mid life retreat, and there I chanced upon a different kind of person. He listened to my story - all of it. He helped to relate my life's jig saw pieces to a larger picture. If my self image was low, he would build it up; if my ego was high and mighty he would bring this to my notice; if my blocked emotions hindered my moving forward with the Holy Spirit, he would explore memories or dreams until there was release. Thus, in a context of soul friendship, the Bible's Messianic mandate was again being taken seriously: The low places in my life were raised up, the high places were made low, and imprisoned places were released (Isaiah 40:4; 61:1) Though the term was not then used, this person became a soul friend. We had sessions about six times a year, more or less often as needed. It was while journeying with this person that I discovered that the Celtic Christian Renewal was what the deepest springs of my being were longing for, and the soul friend was a vital part of this tradition. Brigid of Kildare said "A person without a soul friend is like a body without a head." My soul friend gave me the clarity and courage to unearth this deepest calling from the layers of conditioning that overlaid it, and to do something about it. Those of us who formed the network that became The Community of Aidan and Hilda invited Christians to follow a way of life with a self selected soul friend. I was asked to coordinate this. Since moving to Lindisfarne it has been an immense privilege to serve people, in a humble and most inadequate way, as a regular, temporary or long distance soul friend. But frustration grew also as I became aware of the ocean of need for soul friends, and the mere trickle of supply. Guidelines, training and resources were needed. Brother Ramonıs clarion call Then I read a moving call for "a new vocation to soul friendship among lay folk." The charismatic Welsh Franciscan, Brother Ramon, wrote in his book The Heart of Prayer: "there are men and women of all the main line Christian churches, who are increasingly aware of who they are, of what the soul friendship tradition consists, and who have the communicative ability and love of their brothers and sisters to give themselves as channels of the Holy Spirit within the sustaining network of the Church of God. They are not ordained, professional or hierarchic, though a form of recognition and laying-on of hands would be appropriate." I knew I had to respond. So we prepared workshops and guidance for soul friends, and I began the major task of researching my book Soulfriendship:Celtic Insights into Spiritual Mentoringwhich was published by Hodder and Stoughton last year. The book provides a Beginners Guide to finding or becoming a soul friend, as well as a training course in soul friendship. What a joy to visit Brother Ramon before he died. We talked about the book, which incorporated his advice. I hoped that the book, and study courses that might result from it, would be a living memorial to his vision. He knew he would die, and I knew that soul friends are special at death. We prayed, in Ramonıs words, "for the great adventure" that awaited us both World wide web challenge "I have a challenge for you - will you encourage soul friends to use your book as the basis of a journey that could be taken together via e-mail?" The challenge came from a missionary in an Arab country, whose sponsoring agency encourages her to train local volunteers as soul friends. So far one group of people from three continents have completed an email course based on the book. Why is there so much interest in soul friends? Two visiting Christians told me "Many young people like ourselves long for spiritual fathers and mothers we can talk to in a homely context, but we canıt find them in the churches." Frenetic churches do not make good seed beds for soul friendship. The old bonds of family and community are disappearing. Something needs to replace them. The provision of Buddies for AIDS sufferers is having notable success. Mentors are now widely used in schools, businesses and in Tony Blair's Welfare to Work Programme for the unemployed. Where do you find soul friends in our Christian tradition? Probably David and Jonathan in the Old Testament, and Jesus and John in the New Testament were soul friends, and women such as Huldah (2 Kings 22:14). Paul, who was a soul friend to young Timothy, likens the Christian journey to a race run by an athlete (2 Timothy 2:5), and it was understood then, as now, that athletes need coaches. Perhaps he had such people in mind when he referred to those who have ability to "succour, or mutually give to another" (1 Corinthians 12:28). In the fourth century Christians flocked to deserts to find soul friends among the holy hermits who formed a radical Gospel movement there. So soul friends were literally cell mates. Much wisdom from this period has been accumulated. My book explores heartwarming stories of soul friendship in the Lives of Celtic saints. What is a soul friend? The word comes from that beautiful old Irish word anam cara - friend of the soul. There are varieties of soul friend. Here is one definition: "The soul friend is chosen by the individual to provide a listening ear, to discern what the Holy Spirit is doing in the seekerıs life, to help unblock what hinders this, and assist the seeker to grow. The soul friendıs role is one of service, confidentiality, compassion, understanding. The soul friend is non-judgemental but may sometimes speak prophetically." This is another definition: "A soul friend helps a person re-weave the scattered elements of their life into a new wholeness." A soul friend is not the same as a soul mate. That term is used of someone with whom there is a rapport, but it does not involve mutual commitment to change. A newspaper reported in 1998 that Rod Steiger and Elizabeth Taylor had become soul mates. It explained that they had much in common, including Taylor's eight and Steiger's four marriages, replacement hips, unhappy childhoods, weight problems, depression, alcoholism, and ill health. "I always say itıs like two famous gun fighters meeting" says Steiger. A Soul Friend is not the same as a pastor. A pastor may visit or offer care within the framework of a church; the soul friend accompanies the other person in the framework of their inner journey. The terms soul friend and spiritual director can be interchangeable, but the spiritual director images someone on a pedestal, while soul friend images someone who is also on a journey with the seeker. Are soul friends holistic? The soul in Celtic, as in biblical thinking refers to the total self. The Anamchara was a person with whom you could talk through practical matters, reveal hidden intimacies, and break through the barriers of convention and egotism to an eternal unity of soul. Although the ancient Irish soul friend might have taught you to sew as well as to pray, in todayıs fast, multi track world it is not practical for one person to spend that amount of time. Nevertheless, in the Celtic Christian tradition the soul friend will help you to be balanced, to relate well to people and God, and to be real. "I want you to ask open ended questions about money, sex and power each time we meet" a seeker informed me. What are the benefits of soul friendship? They are too numerous to mention more than a few. Most people long to be listened to, affirmed, discipled, helped through difficult patches, challenged, prayed for. "I have learned to forgive the person I have resented all my life...;" "I am learning to focus my life as a journey;" "My life has changed;" "Undreamed of horizons have opened up to me." No wonder that Patrick, a former Abbot of Ampleforth told me "Soulfriendship is the issue for the twenty first century." Ray Simpson A Soul Friend is like Water for a picked flower, or The warmth of eiderdown, or A lighthouse in the dark, or Play after hours of toil, A window on a new world, or Clear air in a smoky room, Such friends are freeing as Love,
Heulwen Carrier |